SENSUAL NOSTALGIA

I am sitting at my desk listening to Bossa music online. I am being serenaded by the soothing latin tunes and the soft instrumentally mesmerizing music that keeps me in a mellow trance. The music has taken me back to the days when I was married to my son’s father. We got married in 1996 on Valentine’s day. This is clearly a synchronicity that I am traveling back in a time capsule. We’re only a few days away from Valentine's day - talk about circles of life. My ex is from Brazil, born and raised in Salvador, Bahia. I have always been a sucker for culture, foreign languages, international men, and all that is unusual and from another place beyond my immediate environment. The sensual potency of a rich accent, of the excitement of dancing to musical tones and listening to stories from a faraway land are some of my natural turn-ons. I am evoking the sensual longings of my past and bringing them to life again.

I feel wonderful inside because I am reminded of the things that I truly enjoy, the things that make me happy, the moments that make me feel good inside. I like listening to a live band in a charming, romantic little café or restaurant with candle lights and beautiful people with warm smiles of other sensual faces. I like seeing people cuddle up and cozy with each other, drinking sexy cocktails and eating exotic finger foods. The ambiance is laid back, easy going and chill. I get sucked in to a sensual vortex when I am in the midst of these moments.

Mercury is currently in retrograde mode as I write. A time when strange and mis-communications happen, people from your past resurrect, you find something you lost in the past – I am finding pieces of my heart that I left in the past. Mercury the planet that rules all our senses makes a deliberate slow down so we can feel the stirrings of our senses and the sampling of pleasurable, awakened vibrations brought to the surface.

I got a visit from an old friend “Z” last night. He’s a massage therapist and a Capricorn like I am. He’s a cutie! We “vibe” together quite nicely! He has a real nice body – buffed and strong. Nice legs and tooch. He is naturally sensual and good company. Z and I have hung out together, made dinner for each other, worked on each other’s body. Yet, I’ve never had sex with Z! So last night it was interesting revisiting the past and remembering why, in lure of all the acceptable and nice things about this man, the sexual currents are not strong enough to allow deep sexual intimacy.

The door bell rings and it’s shocking that Nzinga, our dog, did not announce his arrival. She’s good for that and never fails. But this night was different. Z knocked on the door without shaking a hair on my dog’s back. I let him in and for the first time they meet each other. She is all over this man. I can see that she likes him and that she’s responding to his sexual energies.


My friends always laugh when I tell them that Nzinga, canine family, responds to the intensity of their sexual vibrations. Let me explain a bit. Female puppies are known for tinkling – peeing a bit when they are excited. They can’t hold it. Their vaginal muscles are still developing and they are easily excited when someone else enters their space. On several occasions a friend would stop by – men more so than women – she’ll wag her dangerous and strong tail – and during those moments of arousal she give off little spurts of urine.

After Z pets and puppy talks her, he turns to me as I stand in anticipation of a bear hug and kiss. He puts he strong arms around my waist and I spread my arms around his neck. We hug and squeeze for a few seconds in time. Nice long bear hug – I like to call them. Gosh I miss you, Z! “I miss you too! You just vanished and stayed away”, he said. Then he kissed my neck and an invigorating, piercing current moved through my entire body starting from the point on my neck in which he plants his soft, full lips. I literally quivered and the heat began to rise inside of me.

The sensual inferno inside would glow for the rest of the night. I was subtly turned on, aroused sensually and sexually for the rest of the night. I could tell when long after he left, I was still wide eyed, wondering why I wasn’t asleep. Shortly after his arrival, Z asked, “How come you never shared your energy with me?” Hmmm? I responded? You mean my sexual energy? I did not answer his question because there was an immediate distraction there after. However, the question lingered inside me and it was not until this morning that I was able to remember the answer.

In the past, I recalled being attracted to Z! I liked his company, enjoyed the massage exchanges and spent fun times together here and there. Then I recalled the discovery one night when we both got naked. Z’s penis did not call me, nor did it make a first impression that would make me want to rush to sit on it and experience its potential. It was not sizeable and I was not happy nor was my yoni! It was from that day on that I would not be prone to having sex with Z!

So is there a dilemma in this sensual nostalgia? I now long, more than ever for the touch of my lover, the warmth of his body next to mine, the piercing moments when we stare beyond each other’s eyes and into our souls. I love it when I am in the kitchen preparing something for us and he comes out of nowhere and puts his arms around my waist, nibbling at my neck. I love those moments. I love it when my lover and I go out dancing and end the night with passionate love making. I love it when we travel to a different time zone and my sexual temperance is off the chain and high up on the scale. I love it when we’re together and the union of our spirit, our presence evokes sensuality in all those around us.

Sometimes we can like someone very much, enjoy their company but there can be that element, that something, something that is missing. And when that void is present, there is very little that anyone can do to change the dynamics or fill that emptiness.

There may be more to this than meets the eye. I got a back massage from Z! It was just what I needed. And I gave him one as well. I appreciate his strong hands and gentle touch and he certainly appreciates mine. But as to whether there will be some sexual interweaving of our energies. I don’t know! I do know that his arrival began the awakening of a part of me that definitely needs to breathe deeply again!