Can You Learn to Find Your Partner Attractive?

Can You Learn to Find Your Partner Attractive? This is a very good mentally arousing question. Can you really learn how to find someone attractive? What is the process of being attracted to someone? Attraction involves a magnetic pull that takes place within someone for or towards another. When this attraction is mutual it is even more powerful. When it is a single reaction then it means that only one of the individuals are strongly attracted to the other.

As an Intuitive Love Astrologer, I've come to learn and understand that the chemistry of love is like a party of elements. You arrive and find a variety of elements interacting or sharing the same space. Each element is naturally drawn to a specific one, in fact, you discover that one element works better and more harmoniously with one then with another. Each element has a role and carries specific energies that distinguish them from others. With the human heart and the chemical ingredients of love that we all embody, a dance takes place that moves on its own, to its own rhythm and with very little effort to make or force the dance to happen. In astrology the planet Venus shows our style and our format for loving; Venus is aesthetically inclined and loves in its own natural way. In understanding this we can further comprehend that love really is magical, it happens mysteriously and on its own accord.When it comes to human relationships and love, our soul, our heart, our Venus already knows what it wants, it desires and what it needs to be whole and fully functioning. Each of our hearts, our Venus character has its own language and can naturally communicate with a specific kind. You can not force yourself to love or be attracted to another nor can you push someone to love or be attracted to you. So the answer to that question, for me, is an immediate NO. The YES, can come later on.

Can you learn to find your partner attractive? Perhaps! Since we are adaptable beings, living and sharing a space with another can override a lot of wacky programmings developed over time. By this I mean, after a while and with a strongly positive state of being one can eventually find loving and attractive things about their partner. You can learn to love them, but I do not personally believe that you can LEARN to be ATTRACTED to them. You can not buy love, you can not buy sexy, you can not buy attraction. Nature won't have that, its not designed that way.
Attraction takes place on more than one level. You can be attracted to someone physically - this is the most common. You can be attracted to someone intellectually - this is when the mind is in harmony with each other and arouses sparks within an individual. You can also have a spiritual attraction to someone - this one is of a higher level when the physical, emotional or mental do not matter at all.

Over time, the level of acceptance and compassion can increase and bring a shift between two people. After looking at your partner's ass as it swings in his or her's clothes for so long a period of time, or after observing the way you respond when your partner calls your name or how she/he eats their food or does a particular thing or gesture then there is an increased probability that you could begin to find that person attractive. Of course, after a few drinks or mind altering moments, you may or may not find your partner attractive. However this method does not hold water because it is not a clear and authentic attraction, it is an illusion, a deception brought on by the chemical shift in your mind/body as a result of the alcohol consumption.

It's interesting how human attraction seems to begin on a physical level. The energy, the chemistry, the hormones are all elements of this dance of attraction. The first response is energetic. An invisible wave and dance takes place in the unseen world first and each of us respond to what we see with our eyes. For some aesthetic and physical beauty and harmony are what arouses their senses. While others are not concerned at all with the physical extension of their partner or potential mate. This is a purely objective phase of attraction. Knowing and understanding your relationship, love, sexual & sensual, needs, preferences, responses and abilities is one of the first steps in cultivating a relationship. In order to know and understand your partner or another, you must know and understand yourself. You can not have a match made in heaven when the two pieces don't fit together like a puzzle. If we are not conscious/mindful of the energetic compatibility of each other then it's no different than two blind mice dancing next to the edge of a cliff, eventually someone, if not both of them will fall off.

The most common error we make is leaving ourselves out. WHO am I? WHAT is MY STYLE of LOVING & RELATING? WHAT are my SENSUAL and SEXUAL PREFERENCES? What makes me GLOW? What TURNS me OFF? What fuels my FIRE? What arouses PASSION in me? When you know the answers to these questions, when you believe they are essential then, you will naturally want to know whether or not there can be mutual participation, maintenance and harmony for a lifetime and in this lifetime with the other. Are you two perfect team players? When there is no PASSION, there is no real zest or fuel for LIFE & LIVING! Then your LIGHT slowly begins to dim and fade out, while the journey places you on the path of DYING rather the path of LIVING.

A gentleman wrote me a note on Christmas Day about the disconnect between he and his partner and this is how our dialogue went....


RICHARD
I would like to figure out how to be more sexually attracted to my lady who has gain weight and does not excite me any more. I stay because of my wonderful kids and finances. I do love her because she is a good woman. The passion has been gone for several yrs. No kissing, always doggy if done, no oral, so I work out a lot. :) but what do you think. I don’t share this with a lot of folks. thank for the opportunity.

THE GRIOT
Ouch! That's a tall order! It's rather difficult to bring the dead back to life! According to your brief story, your sexual connection and wiring shut down a long time ago. If you are no longer attracted to your lady then I'm not sure if that attraction can be authentically revived with out her total participation and transformation. She is the one who's got to flip over and ignite your fire once again. Meanwhile. your body has said NO for several years. Why do you ignore it? Have you communicated this concern to your lady?


RICHARD:
Thanks for your response. Yes we have gone to counseling. I have separated twice. She gained weight right before the wedding and I told her it would be an issue back then. (10 years) I just believed that she could get it off. Two kids later and it got worse. I stay because of the kids and lack of money to go anywhere. Our finances are really tied together right now. I keep saying I will go when I can see a way financially to do it. She knows this on a deep level too.

In the meantime I go through periods of depression and have to remind myself that I can do something about it in time. She is often depressed also, though I think she may have a friend somewhere. Oddly I am okay with it. I had a friend a few years ago but she decided to break it off on her terms. I was crushed but it was great while it lasted. The counselor we went to last said that I should learn to find her attractive but didn't offer suggestions. My thing was and is, how can I make myself like a big girl when I never did before. I know what I am wired for. I got pissed at the idea really. As a trainer I work with a lot of heavy women. I don't hate them or anything, but I certainly don't find any of them attractive enough to what to sleep with.
My dream is to get a small place, separate, make a plan to see and care for the kids regularly, and start dating again. It's a waiting game I guess. Thanks for your ear of understanding. I have never been able to articulate this to anyone before. It gives me some clarity.

THE GRIOT:
I just watched a powerful interview this morning and here's one of the things mentioned of the speaker/doctor…

Being unhappy in a marriage or relationship and not expressing it can kill you quicker than being unhappily married and expressing your emotions. So while you are there, I would suggest that you express and encourage her to express so you can stay healthy.

Clearly the love has lost its shine - long time ago. Have you considered making a truce to begin dating others or allowing some realistic room and flexibility in seeing and dating others? Marriage is a business contract for the most part. I've always felt that once we Africans get that deep in our bodily cells we will come out so much better and cooperate even more so. So where there is no love, then you focus on the business element so that the finances and other things are taken care of while each also nurtures their own emotional, sexual and spiritual needs. It's one thing to be incarcerated in a marriage, its another to slowly die at the same time.

Of course it all begins within. The pathway to freedom begins inside of you, Richard. Wishing you all the best!

RICHARD:
Wow that is good, thank you sooooo much. I feel a release just thinking about this as a solution. Yes because I know I am dieing internally.

In conclusion, the flames and sparks that happens initially between two people can not keep shining forever, it will fade away, in fact its supposed to. The key is learning how to maintain an ebb and flow of passion, learning how to find and ride the waves of com-passion. Of course, we become controlling and power driven once we settle down with someone. We want to own the other, rather than claim ownership of SELF. We need to understand that passion, joy, laughter, excitement and all those beautiful positive, active energies can be yours during decades of marriage if and only if you understand that it can only be yours if you truly desire, feel you are deserving and accept it a RESPONSIBILITY and a GIFT you OWE to YOURSELF.